journeying through motherhood

I have finally found time to come back to this space. from the last time I posted, a lot has changed – physically, emotionally and mentally with my family and I. And what best way to document these changes than to actually write (or type in this case) them down. From the last time I posted, my status has officially changed to ‘mother’. It felt – still feels surreal to know and to have gone through this life changing experience of having bore a child in my womb for 38weeks and 2days and seeing her birth out of me, with the help of doctors of course. Her being with us right this moment is indeed a blessing beyond our imagination. And I say this because she came almost immediately, as though Allah heard our silent and loud tears day and night.

You see,  I was already a mother since 11th of February 2016. I carried my first child for 11weeks in my womb. He/She was the most precious precious gift from Allah swt to us. Allah has better plans for us. And because of His immense love for His servants, He took our angel back with Him. It was one of the most painful (physically and emotionally) experiences I’ve ever had. And the sadness was so overwhelming that I went in search everywhere to find some quiet space for my mind. It wasn’t until my heart set itself in search of solace by seeking Allah in all that I said, saw and listened that I found myself settling alittle. And of course I finally had that moment. You know the sort where you finally get the answer you’ve been searching for? Yep. I got mine and when that moment hit me, it felt as though Allah had intended it specially and specifically for me.  I got a text in which a hadith (sayings of the Prophet, peace be upon him)  was shared. These aren’t the exact words but in essence what it said was every child awaits at the gates of Jannah to hold their parents by their hands and bring them into Jannah. And that was when it hit me: I knew, that all these that had happened to me was Allah’s bigger plan for me. Allah was helping me plan for something more permanent, subhanallah! I guess that was the moment when I completely learnt to let go of the grief that had been engulfing me.

I learnt that it was okay to grieve because Allah swt has created us with these emotions and we are meant to experience these. But it also reminds us that none of what we have is permanently ours. Not this life even. Everything will return back to Allah swt when the time in this dunya in up. However even when we do experience losses, Allah swt also doesn’t abandon us. He becomes our heart’s guardian. He becomes our heart’s protector and with His mercy, He embraces us with His endless comfort to ease our pains. Masyaallah indeed. And we will become the losers if we don’t realise how much Allah loves us.

I also learnt that parenthood doesn’t quite begin once the child actually arrives. Parenthood begins much earlier. From the very beginning the child takes the form of a fetus in your womb, your every action, word, emotion, feelings, personality, temperament will have an impact on your child. So excitement aside, it is essential that we have the right intention in our hearts so that we affect our child positively in their lives Insyaallah.

In my next post, I shall blog a little about the day the Princess arrived. Till then, Salaam! (peace be upon you!)